Hi there all my beautiful beasts! This is my first post! I am so excited to start this journey, what I like to title The Becoming. It's going to be a long process, but this weekend I spent some time coming back to myself and wanted to share. One of my favorite poems by Nayyirah Waheed is titled The Becoming and it is her words that have been ringing the loudest in my ears these days.
take your time.
you are coming
- the becoming
I never realized how much there was to learn about myself still. When I went to graduate school, I thought that I had it all figured out. I told myself this is the moment you have waited for, the moment that you discover who you are. I left my program thinking that I knew who I was, and in many ways I did, but life has a way of teaching us that we don't know as much as we thought. Life brought about change like it usually does when time is involved, and I have battled many hurdles this past year. I moved to the city, I started my professional acting career, I started a business, and I became single after 6.5 years (plus all the years that I had planned for the future). My breakup left me by myself with life staring me right in the face saying, "Who are you? What are you going to be? Can you even do this alone?" Naturally I surrounded myself with work (I am a workaholic!). I had two shows opening and a business to get off the ground, plus my day job. I hid from the questions, hoping they would go away. I became terrified of what the future was and would look back to my past, and ignore the present. I was obsessed with time and how quickly it moved. I placed myself in a naïve box, locking away all fear, anger, sadness, depression, doubt, jealousy and instead I SMILED. That is how I am supposed to be, right? Positive? That's how people like me to be?
Now I can't lie. It was a huge relief to let go of a relationship that was not sustainable, and was ultimately hurting us both. I got excited by the thought that I didn't have to answer to anyone. I was my own. But what started to creep in was the need for validation. The need to get my self-worth from outside sources. I abandoned that way of living in graduate school, but that monster is rearing its head once more. I feel constantly watched or observed, when all I want to do is escape, to be alone, to find peace, to come home to myself.
That is what has brought me here, to this blog, to this post. As an artist I am fascinated with time and the effect it has on peoples' lives. As a little girl I would dream of the future, but now as a woman I look to the past. I wonder about that little girl and if I am meeting her expectations. I am a lot more battered and bruised than I imagined to be. I care about stupid material things that never bothered me when I was young (like clothes! who the heck cares what you wear, it is literally a way to cover yourself from the elements!). Life has not turned out the way I planned it, but as I write this I am not sure I really had a set plan. I had a dream about how I wanted to feel, and I am still learning what that is. I have caught it in glimpses in moments of pure joy and laughter, in the eyes of a stranger after you give them a smile, or even in the bond that I share with my cat! It is there. I keep telling myself it will happen in time.
TIME... I am 26 years old but internally I still feel like that sensitive, tomboy, dreamer rolling around outside in Woodburn, IN. My body has changed, I have gotten grey hairs, wrinkles, aching bones. My experiences have grown and my soul has matured. I have witnessed life and death. I have faced the "real world". And I try to do this thing called "Adulting" (but lets be honest, I won't ever fully do it!!) All of this influences me but it can't define me. I am my past, my present, and my future (whatever that may be). I am that little girl still ( I have not lost her) and I am the woman I am becoming. I cannot forget this. I must give myself time to figure myself out. I am messy, chaotic, happy, and sad: imperfect in everyway, but I am me. Kearstyn.
This piece is dedicated to the little girl I was and the woman I am going to be. The struggle is real! I thought I lost her, but I had to allow myself the opportunity to scrap away the bullshit. But coming home takes time. I am not there yet, but I am one step closer. Here's to days filled with confusion, others filled with joy, many filled with sadness, and the sweet, sweet knowing that I can tell them all through my art. Here's to my own Unique Beast!
MUSIC Sara Bareilles Once Upon Another Time & Send Me the Moon